What it’s like using Craigslist to find an apartment

When I moved back to L.A. this past August, I had to begin the painstaking task of sifting through the apartment jungle that is Craigslist. It wasn’t great when I had done it the year prior, and I was by no means expecting anything better this year. It’s exhausting and frustrating. And after that Lifetime movie about the Craigslist killer, the hypochondriac within makes the process even worse. After weeks on the prowl, you begin to develop a supreme judgment of content by the titles alone. I’m going to share with you my favorite things you come across on Craigslist and the way you interpret them, literally:

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  1. Anything under $700: Nope! This is L.A. I’m not trying to share a sleeping bag with someone on the floor.
  2. “Bed share”: are you for real? F’rill?
  3. “Free”: LOL, ok, right!
  4. “Free for boi toi”: Wait, well…maybe.
  5. “Free for boi toi. Enjoy penthouse views”: Yup, what number do I call? At least if I’m raped/tortured, the view will be FANTASTIC!
  6. “Cozy/Unique/Cute”: NOPE. Code for a closet or some octagon-shaped room with no windows.
  7. “4 Rent” or any misspellings: See ya.
  8. “Mechanical bull for rent”: WTF? Wrong listing tab, dude.
  9. “3 bed/2ba”: Hahaha. You think I’m going to SHARE a bathroom?
  10. All caps: First of all, calm down. Second, caps are only for old people.
  11. “Cottage to share”: …in LA? Sounds sketch.
  12. No pictures: Do I have to explain?
  13. Yes, we have ONE picture, and it’s of a door frame and hallway: Great. There’s a place for a door. Is there a kitchen? Are there bedrooms?
  14. Blurry pictures/Upside down: Seriously? What are we? Ten?
  15. “The Grove”: Perfect. When do I move in?
  16. “Female roommate only”: Ugh. Now I have to go through the whole “but I swear I’m gay, PLEASE! HELP ME! I don’t want to live with guys either!”
  17. Same post posted ten times in a row: Now you’re just flat out being annoying.
  18. “Beverly Hills”: Always disappointing.
  19. Ad starts with a lower-case letter: Journalist snobbery. Not clicking. You obviously don’t give a damn, why should I?
  20. “Pico & La Brea”: Isn’t that south of Wilshire? I don’t go south of Wilshire. I want to live, you know?
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