Living in L.A.

L.A. is truly my city. I feel completely at home. No other city gets me the way L.A. does, and I respect that. Thanks for watching out for me, gurl. Here is just a snapshot of the things that have set L.A. apart from anywhere else I lived:

losangeles3

  1. There is a ubiquitous aroma of weed…even where seemingly impossible. You could be walking down the street with the road on one side and a 15-foot wall on the other, there’s no one around you, and BOOM there it is. WTF? But WHERE does it come from?!
  2. You get approached in a Trader Joe’s parking lot:
    • Q: “Hey, are you a model?”
    • A. “No.”
    • Q: “Oh, well I have this clothing line and I–“
    • A: “NO! I will not sleep with you.”

3.  Eating becomes a part-time job. Eating Sprinkles. Eating from another cupcake shop. Eating Cool Haus. Eating Diddy Riese. “Sprinkles are like the best ever.” “Bottega Louis is the best ever.” “That taco truck is the best ever.” “OMG you’ve never been to The Griddle?!” “I LOVE that farmer’s market. We should go some time!” “It’s where all the celebs go.” “You’ve NEVER had Korean BBQ?!”But I feel fat, let’s go to Lemonade.” And this is discourse over the span of one day.

4.  Similarly: I’m just having a banana today. I’m so fat. I have to go the gym. Well not like now, there are people there.

5.  Praying you don’t get urinated on or have to sit next to the cracked-out Mexican man sporting a nappy blond wig and excessive make-up put on by a three-year-old child, all while guzzling liquor out of a paper bag, is a common fear when riding Metro (for the few that do).

6.  You feel constantly pressured to “do” Runyon. It becomes so painful that you start deleting friends off of Instagram that post their hiking pics/videos every single morning, as you sit on the couch watching your DVR and contemplating where you’re eating breakfast, lunch, dinner and dessert.

7.  Scoping out friends based on whether they have a pool or gym at their apartment complex.

8.  You debate any of the following:

    • Taking up acting/modeling–just like, on the side, see what happens?
    • Writing a screenplay/book. After all, you’re hilarious and creative and you’re bound to be famous.
    • Hot yoga sounds…fun?
    • Which cleanse to start.
    • What exactly IS boba?
    • NOT going to Chipotle because there are so many better LA places to try, but then you’re so hungry, and it’s right there, and you really don’t have time to try and Yelp that place you heard of–plus you don’t know the menu, and I can’t go somewhere new by myself. Well, I promise myself I’ll try that taco truck “next time.” Chipotle it is. And you don’t regret it at all. Even if it’s the fifth time this week, and it’s Wednesday.

9.  You wear pants and a scarf anyway, despite the 80-degree weather because dammit it’s October and I love fall.

10.  69 degrees is now the freezing point.

11.  There are children, sometimes toddlers, that are better dressed than you. And they know it.

12.  Every Range Rover or white Mercedes SUV could be a Kardashian. Is it obvious I’m looking?

13.  Were homes built blindfolded? I mean, I live next to a castle. And then there’s that brick building. And the Mediterranean one. Stucco. Wood. Cottage. Mud. Teepee. Igloo. Like was this a giant free-for-all?

14.  You confuse La Brea for Israel.

15.  The Levine-Beckham effect happens to you: black skinny jeans, a neutral-colored V-neck and a beanie. You also debate getting some new ink. Just one. Maybe a sleeve. You trim the sides of your head and keep it long on top.

16.  Events like ” The Grilled Cheese Invitational” exist.

17.  Ending up at the bar with The Wanted and one of them kisses you. Not a big deal.

18.  Calling your apartment management to unclog your toilet, change light bulbs, or do any other manual labor is acceptable and everyone does it. DIY? Lol.

19. The Santa Ana winds. You give up trying to look presentable.

20.  Saying “In the valley” equates to “In a land far, far away…”

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