The Demise of Zayn Malik’s Hair

Despite the amazing news that One Direction was named the best-selling musical act worldwide in 2013, tragedy is among us–and it’s a…hairy situation.
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1D hearthrob (and my husband, for those not invited to the intimate rooftop affair) Zayn Malik was spotted sporting a new grungy look–a complete departure from his standard, picture-perfect hair.

“The Zayn” hairstyle influenced thousands of guys around the world with its edgy undercut and a gravity-defying quiff. By thousands, I mean myself and all of the YouTube personalities I came across featuring a how-to guide for Mr. Malik’s signature look. I also may or may not have gone into my stylist’s salon and shown him a picture of Zayn for reference. And there’s a possibility that I did not.

Regardless, I will not stand for this injustice. I will let you all know that I have it under control and texted him that, “We need to talk when you get home.”

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Yeezus À La Mode: Kanye’s GQ Cover Story

Miranda: Get me Demarchelier.

Andy: I have Miranda Priestly calling for–Okay. I have Patrick!

I don’t know if Jim Nelson, Editor-in-Chief of GQ, is anything like my beloved Miranda Priestly, but this is how I would like to imagine GQ’s August cover story shoot with Kanye West and legendary photographer Patrick Demarchelier was arranged.

I was super excited when I received my copy in the mail yesterday–Yes, I still order print magazines. As controversial and bold as Ye might be, there is one thing you can’t deny: this man has style. And I love everything about his style. Okay, so he’s low key my fashion inspiration of late. I have always been a fan of tonal combinations (white-on-white or black-on-black, etc.) and loose-fitting tops over slim-legged pants, but Kanye just slays it to perfection. Even though he’s been sort-of-but-not-really ex-communicated within the fashion world, he’s doing quite a fine job on his own accord.

West’s style, a neutral and tonal marriage of rock n’ roll and streetwear was illuminated to perfection by Demarchelier in the GQ photo spread:

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If you’re wearing layers, you can be in L.A., New York, Paris, in an airport lounge, or on a plane, taking layers on and off however. And the proportions get emotional. You know how a graphic can express a feeling or an emotion? Layers can, too.

–Kanye West

Kanye currently has a collection with French fashion store A.P.C. Most everything I want is sold out. Sad face.

Closet Confessional: Grammy’s Red Carpet

“Music’s Biggest Night,” rocked the Staples Center in Los Angeles last night. The CBS telecast drew in the show’s second-largest audience in over two decades with 28.5 million views. Beyoncé’s sultry “Crazy in Love” performance, Taylor Swift’s thug transformation and a mass Queen Latifah-officiated gay wedding all helped give the show a boost. But before the stars came out to play, they graced the red carpet in a wild assortment of fashions. Here are some of the highlights and crash-and-burners:

Taylor Swift, Gucci

Although I gave her a lot of slack last night (it’s just so much fun) she absolutely nailed it. This glittery silver dress was age and event appropriate. It was the serene calm before the head-thrashing and gangster-leaning storm that unfolded indoors.

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Beyoncé, Michael Costello

Bey skipped the red carpet to prepare for opening act, and probably for a good reason: She didn’t want to outshine everyone else–because she’s thoughtful that way. This white lace dress looks gorgeous on her and her new edgy blonde cut fits it well. I even love the little extra fabric on her forearm. On anyone else, I’d be saying, “Why are you wearing a doily?”

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Katy Perry, Valentino

You never know what you’re going to get with this rowdy one: cheese hat? blue hair? pink hair? octogenarian drab? Last night she elected for a whimsical, musically-inspired white gown. The haunting-glam look was swiftly abandoned indoors as she morphed into a witch hunter swinging around on broomstick stripper poles.

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Ciara, Pucci

Just weeks after Olivia Wilde proved that pregnancy can still be hot on the red carpet, Ciara came out to play in a beautiful, gold sequin stunner, which complements her skin tone so well. Pregnancy glow is real people. I need some of that these days.

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Chrissy Teigen, Johanna Johnson

Although it should be a crime to outshine your partner that is nominated for a Grammy (in this case, John Legend), but when you look this good, we forgive. It should be no secret that this Sports Illustrated swimsuit model knows how to dazzle.

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DJ Mark Ronson and wife Josephine de la Baume, Unknown

“We’re so excited to be here.” The only thing more excited are her nipples.

Josephine de La Baume, Mark Ronson

Shawn Crahan of Slipknot, Spirit Halloween Superstore

I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. Unfortunately, my mommy was not available to shield my eyes from It deciding to crash the red carpet. Thankfully I don’t have a red carpet hosting gig (yet) because I would have run away screaming.

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Cyndi Lauper, Alexander McQueen

A just birthed animal? Last night’s ragu? An unraveling ball of yarn? What exactly was the objective with your hair? But I do like the cape and slim-fit pants combo.

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Zendaya Emanual, Ungaro

You are so beautiful, why? It’s so unflattering and homemade looking. “Quick! We have to go. Just grab the shower curtain and let’s go!”

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Pharrell Williams, Only God knows

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That’s about it for me. I will be back with another closet confessional following the Academy Awards March 2.

Eyes up here: Katy Perry’s big-chested dreams

Have you ever prayed? What did you pray for? Good health? Winning the lottery? World peace?

How about big boobs? No? Well, we’re not all Katy Perry.

“I lay on my back one night and looked down at my feet, and I prayed to God. I said, ‘God, will you please let me have boobs so big that I can’t see my feet when I’m lying down?’ ”

The “Dark Horse” singer opened up to GQ for her February cover story about her busty dreams, which not only came true, but are on full-display in next month’s issue. It’s so hot it may melt your popsicle.

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Apart from steaming up page six, the Cali gurl also opened up about devilish cereal, losing her virginity at 16, her obsession with Japan, and everything else that makes her the quirky doe-eyed gal we all wish we could have a sleepover with. One of my favorite quotes touches upon both aliens and President Obama–the usual:

“I look up into the stars and I imagine: How self-important are we to think that we are the only life-form? I mean, if my relationship with Obama gets any better, I’m going to ask him that question. It just hasn’t been appropriate yet.”

I’ll close with a final thought/request: I need for Katy to remake the “E.T.” music video where Obama raps Kanye West’s verses. Thank you.

Closet Confessional: Golden Globes Red Carpet

The stars descended upon the Beverly Hilton Hotel in Beverly Hills, Calif. to grace the red carpet for the 2014 Golden Globe Awards. Sunday night’s ceremony was frothing with belligerent, champagne-induced antics, a tradition of sorts, and I enjoyed every minute of it. The fashion on the red carpet followed suit: from sexy lizard goddess to expired Christmas presents, we saw it all. Shall we?

Lupita  Nyong’o, Ralph Lauren

First time at the Golden Globes? No big deal. I’m just going to kill it, because I’m a boss like that.

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Emma Watson, Dior Couture

Props for being too cool for school. Pants? Dress? How about both! Hermione is reinventing red carpet style with her unique take on Dior, and I want more. And that color is just gorgeous on her. Wingardium leviosa that bitches!

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Mila Kunis, Gucci Premiere

I mean, it kind of looks like one of those melting silver people from the CapriSun commercials circa 1998, but she pulls it off–probably because she has that icy, “I will cut you” look.

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Sandra Bullock, Prabal Gurung

So bold! So flirty! Love. This is  such a departure from her usual red carpet wardrobe, and she is making it work.

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Usher, Calvin Klein

Men’s fashion is usually so drab and boring. Leave it to Ersher, baby to accomplish smooth swag in a velvety tux. If sex were a suit, this would be it.

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Now, what to do when you’re pregnant on the red carpet:

Olivia Wilde, Gucci Premiere

Sexy reptilian goddess. That’s right, I’m pregnant and I look damn good. Questions? #werk

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What NOT to do when you’re pregnant:

Drew Barrymore, Monique Lhuillier

You can rob the florist and try to camouflage that bump, but come on, I see you. Let your baby shine. It does help that she’s just so adorable anyway.

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Berenice Bejo, Giambattista Valli

That’s where all of my bloody tissues went…

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Zosia Mamet, Reem Acra

If she stands still enough, you might actually think you’re in Narnia.

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Edie Falco, Lanvin

Christmas is over, sweetheart. It’s OK. I’m sad too, but we have to let it go.

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Sofia Vergara, Zac Posen

Have you seen Men In Black II? Just sayin’….

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Best of the rest:

Lily Rabe, Georges Hobeika

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Uma Thurman, Versace

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Margot Robbie, Gucci

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Zooey Deschanel, Oscar de la Renta

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Miley Watch: Bye, bye brows

Do you remember that silly game you used to (or still do) play with your besties at a sleepover, the one where you would cover your eyebrows with your fingers and laugh at each other’s hairless foreheads? Well, Miley Cyrus is playing that game too, but like, for real.

The singer posted a selfie (Yay! It’s a word now!) today showing off her bleached brows. Check it out:

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I’m looking at it with my face half turned away because half of me is really creeped out and the other half can’t stop looking at it. Which side will win?!

Quick! Chop off your hair. It’s the cool thing to do.

I missed the memo that seemingly percolated through Tinseltown: If your name is Jennifer, take an axe to your hair.

Two of Hollywood’s A-listers are sporting the new look, but in different fashions. First we have Jennifer Aniston, who selected an edgy bob from longtime hair stylist and “The Rachel” creator, Chris McMillan. Aniston said she was “ready for something new.”

EXCLUSIVE Jennifer Aniston with a new haircut and pregnant leaving doctors

Somewhere in the sky, Jennifer Lawrence posted a pic of her adorable pixie cut to Facebook while en route to Global Fan Day alongside her “Hunger Games” co-stars.

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Meanwhile, the always fashionable Charlize Theron stepped out in killer winter attire reminding everyone who the baddest short-haired blonde bitch in town is. And I concur.

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I think Jen-squared need to grow their hair back. J-Law looks like a suburban soccer mom now 😦

So who do you think wins the battle of battered hair?