#Addicted: Trader Joe’s Animal Crackers

One month anniversary.

When you watch as much television as I do, you need a snack. And when you’re a compulsive snack binger, you need a relatively healthy snack to counter the disgusting amount you’re about to consume. After painstakingly criss-crossing the ends of the Earth (the one block that separates Ralphs and Trader Joe’s), I found my match: Trader Joe’s Organic Animal Crackers.

Our relationship began like most others: the first date.

I walked into the alternatively-hip Trader Joe’s on a mission to find a snacking miracle. After getting sucked into the wine vortex in the back (Why does that always happen?), I made it to the aisle of snack food paradise. It’s really unnerving how much unique junk food that store sells. And a lot of it is junk–either calorically-intoxicating, dripping in saturated fat or a sugary trip in a coma. This is L.A. and we do not stand for such health injustices!

At the very end of the row, I came to the animal crackers. I won’t say it was love at first sight–but there was undeniable chemistry. It was love when I read the nutrition label. I saw right into its soul and realized we were meant for each other:

Serving size: 17 crackers (That’s a lot!) / Calories: 120 / Cals from fat: 15 / Total fat: 2g (YES) / Sugars: 6g (Am I being punk’d?!)

There’s even 2g of protein and trace amounts of iron, so it’s like healthy too.

We began seeing each other regularly: Sunday nights for “Looking,” Tuesday nights for “New Girl” and Thursdays for “Millionaire Matchmaker.” Call it the honeymoon stage, if you will. Things were great. I was really happy and I feel like I was putting good energy out into the Universe, which is really important.

But then out of nowhere they became so controlling and so demanding. I was finishing entire containers outside of my television schedule. They went crazy! It’s hard to find a way out when you’re in the depths of a manipulative and sometimes mentally-abusive relationship–or so I’m told. They were there for me when I was sad or happy. But then they would betray me when I was trying to refrain from frivolous snacking. I try so hard to resist but I keep coming back for more. Gimme, gimme more!–And if I keep eating them at this rate, I’m going to look like Britney in her “Gimme More” VMA performance.

It’s even worse now that others are noticing the trap I’m in. Two days ago, when I went to Trader Joe’s to buy my third container in five days, the cashier looked at me and said, “These again?”

“How does he know?! Is it that obvious that I’m spiraling downward and I’m so far removed from reality to recognize it?”

I managed a smile and a meager, “Yup,” as I slowly sucked air into my mouth in awkward tension. I grabbed my lover and ran out of there as fast as I could.

Right now, we’re in a really happy place again. My roommate was super great and assumed the role of a therapist and helped us sort out what each of us really wanted. We actually see eye-to-eye on a lot of things so the future seems really bright. I love them.

Worst of 2013: Top 10 Annoyances

Every year we are blessed with many great things. But this isn’t Disney World. For every beautiful thing we encounter, there is one that proves to be mind-numbingly annoying or disastrous and it haunts us for an entire year. I’m still recovering from Psy one year later. After reading this post, you can join me for a drink and we can pray for a mildly-improved 2014. Cheers.

10. Beats by Dr. Dre Pill

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If you think twerking was the most featured item in music videos this year, you would be wrong. The Beats Pill is a wireless speaker system that is wi-fi enabled, allowing you to control songs from your phone or other device, and retails for more than an iPhone 5 (contract-renewal price) at $299. Whether it’s better than my $30 iPod speaker system, I don’t know, but it was annoying to see it shamelessly promoted in nearly every music video this year, excpet for Paris Hilton’s “Good Time,” because she tried to swallow it.
Let’s play Where’s Waldo?: Beats Pill Edition:

“Work Bitch” / Britney Spears
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“Stay the Night” / Zedd Ft. Hayley Williams

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“We Can’t Stop” / Miley Cyrus

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9. The Real Housewives of Capitol Hill

capitolhillThe catty brawls and embarrassments featured in the “Real Housewives” franchise paled in comparison to the hot mess of babbling old white men (plus Barack) running the government. From cliffs to sequesters to filibusters to shutdowns, I have been bombarded by really long words that I don’t understand all year long, and I’m over it. Behind closed doors, these weasels were running around like sexually-charged teenagers sexting, cheating and snapchatting God knows what. And then if Obamacare and the NSA tucking you in at night wasn’t enough, these degenerates went and closed the United States of America like it was a damn Target store. But it wasn’t that big of a deal, except for the few pissed off Mexicans that couldn’t be legally verified and families that had to cancel their Yellowstone family vacay. Let’s hope in 2014 we can get our shit together.

8. “Chinese Food” by Alison Gold

Major eye roll. Because rich kids can’t be satisfied with unlimited credit cards, jet-setting, and spa treatments, we need to cater to their aspirations of fame by creating Satanic music videos that would make Helen Keller cover her eyes and ears. From the same producers of Rebecca Black’s “Friday” comes “Chinese Food,” the glorification of craving fried soy sauce-covered cat in restaurants that cater only to five-year olds. At 2:14, our favorite child-molesting rapper from “Friday” reappears to have a slumber party with the little girl singing. Sleep tight, don’t let the panda bite. If you can make it to the end of the video without bleeding out from your wrists, you are not human.

7. Candy Crush

candycrushThe game that ruined relationships, marriages and families is, apparently, still going full-steam into 2014. What started as a fun, addicting game turned into mood swings, depression and texts from your mother at 10 p.m. asking commanding you to “Send me a ticket!” I fell into the black pit of blinking and exploding candies for about two months before I just got exhausted. I was having nightmares that “jelly” was chasing me. I couldn’t close my eyes without visualizing candies switching spaces at light speed. It was also extremely infuriating that there was no end to the game; it was constantly updated with new rounds. I’m a competitive person. I like to win. Where is the fun in playing a game that never ends?! It was all just too much for me to take, so I moved on and hopefully you did too.

6. Dairy Queen

oreoblizzardNews flash: fat kid problems. It is no secret that I unabashedly love Dairy Queen. From birth, Dairy Queen has been the godmother I was never appointed and never will be, now that Kris Jenner refuses to get back to me. Summer or winter, I will always be down for an Oreo Blizzard. Ever since I moved to L.A. last year, I have been in a state of semi-depression since there are no Dairy Queens in the immediate L.A. area. The closest DQ is the Culver City location about 20-minutes away. I finally made it to the Fox Hills Mall over the holidays and was elated to see my dear old DQ. Like a kid in a candy store, I ran up and ordered my Blizzard like I had a gun to my head. As I whisked away, Blizzard in-hand, into the Disney store to buy my Christmas Stitch, I had a sad, sour moment: something in this doesn’t taste right. I verified my suspicion that the milk was not up to par in my ice cream with my friend and decided to return to the store and give them polite hell. Because customer service is the top priority for this particular branch, the worker tasted the ice cream, looked at me, and said, “It tastes fine to me.” Worst. Day. Ever.

5. Apple

ios7Let me preface this by saying that I am a happy Apple customer. I own a Macbook Pro, an iPhone and an iPod, and I like them very much. What I don’t like, however, is being bullied around by a bunch of blue-shirted geeks. Change is good–and needed–but it has to be gradual. When the iPhone 5 was released, I was not thrilled with new charger. Both my iPhone and iPod use the old cord, and everyone else in the world owns it too, which is nice when you forget yours. Granted, yes, everyone will slowly adapt to the new cords, but WHY? Was it absolutely necessary? And then workers and Apple nerds get brainwashed and say, “Why, oh, yes. This cord is a “lightning cable” and is 0.32694-times faster and has AbraKadabraAlakazm technology.” People, it’s a charger. Last time I checked, all of my devices charged properly, what is the need for a “LIGHTNING CABLE?” If that weren’t enough, they go and release iOS7. I refuse to have my phone look like a cheap ass Asian toy–I mean, Android. Like I said, change should be gradual and subtle. Converting my phone display into a psychedelic clusterfuck is not subtle. I am still using iOS6 and will continue to do so until Jobs resurrects and forces me to convert.

4. Justin Bieber

justinbiebrI’m going to catch major hell for this–a death threat or two. I’m a Belieber though, so that should give me some credibility, I hope. To say the Biebz fell from grace this year would be a bit of an understatement. Once he started his European tour, all hell broke loose; it was one catastrophe after another. He was late for a show and the fans were pissed. He threw up on stage. He got into a fight with the paparazzi. At some point he acquired a monkey and then as quickly as he got it, it was taken awa6. He was throwing parties–or his friends were throwing parties–and his neighbors were not having it. And then he kicked his friends out of his home, but that didn’t really solve anything. And then he goes to Brazil and becomes a pimp. All the meanwhile, he’s confessing he’s an “artist” and not a “joke” and not being taken “seriously.” Well, it’s kind of hard to do when you’re acting like a narcissistic punk.

3. North Korea

The hatred I have for the North Korean government. They toyed with my emotions like no other this year. They knew I had an anxiety disorder and preyed on me like fresh meat, throwing around claims that they have nukes aimed at the U.S. I had a very bad case of indigestion and anxiety back in ’04 after an asteroid was supposed to have a pretty close call with Earth. I was up all day and night worrying myself sick. I was beginning to have flashbacks with all of this nuclear mayhem. Would it just be a flash and that’s it? Would it burn? Is there an underground lead bunker located nearby I can relocate to? I just couldn’t believe that I was letting their Gerber baby leader push me around like this, that is, until I educated myself and realized that they were, like, legitimately retarded. They haven’t even cracked the satellite code yet, so how are they to be taken serious with long-range nuclear technology? And randomly Gerber baby and Dennis Rodman are bffs?

2. Kimye

Shake my head. Shake my head. Everything about them is just annoying. First, they just got together. That was strike one. Then Kim gets pregnant and desperately tries to squeeze herself into couture, which violated many, many fashion laws. Case and point. And I thought manatees were an endangered species?

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They named their daughter North. How cute? Not. This is about as far as Kim is concerned, the rest of the year’s annoyances were all spawned by Mr. West. There was the creative genius rant. There was the awful “Bound 2” video, which was not “genius” at all. The comparisons to Jesus continued, which…sigh…Actually, I’m just done with him. Apparently he’s a really nice guy. I will have to be the judge of that myself.

1. Miley Cyrus

mileycyrusCall it genius, call it over-the-top antics, whatever it was, I did not like it one bit. Her “Bangerz” album was actually not bad, but the social media circus and public appearances were just too much to handle. Can you put yo’ damn tongue away? It’s not cute. It’s not funny. And can you STOP “twerking.” And while we’re on that subject, you’re not even twerking properly. Watch Riri twerk, that is twerking. You, are acting a hot mess while moving your ass quickly. Your body is not Beyonce’s body, we don’t need to see that glow-in-the-dark corpse. And can you stop licking shit? This whole year was like watching my 10-year-old sister, under the influence, stripping and grinding on old men and teddy bears and it was just very, very disturbing. Let’s pray in 2014 the antics are cut, and her artistry speaks for itself, without all of the smoke and mirrors.

WTF: a photo gallery

I’m constantly on the go. I don’t own a car (sad face) so I’m always interacting with way too many people for my own good. Bus trips, subway trips, walking trips–I see it all. This post is dedicated to all of the “WTF” moments I have encountered over the years.

I will take a picture of anything with my iPhone. If you look like an asshole or are failing at life miserably, Imma document it. Depending on my mood, I will try to be discrete about taking your picture, but more often then not I just point, shoot and smile with the satisfaction of my photographic achievement–at your expense.

1. Fashion trend: umbrella stand meets Egyptian flair.IMG_0379

2. One of my sister’s Christmas presents last year. My direct quote: “Who gave Calysta the Dildo night light?” My mom looked at me puzzled. “You seriously don’t see anything wrong with that?” The perfect gift for every child afraid of the dark.IMG_0708

3. Ok, so, did you steal the hat and are proud of it? Or, are we just forgetful? Could very well be a new trend, but I didn’t get the memo.IMG_0592

4. I have so many strong emotions about this. First, this is a Starbucks, not a damn living room. Second, get your nasty feet off of the table that people put their food on and work from. Third, I don’t want to hear any sass from you when I break out my Clorox wipes from my messenger bag and sanitize the premise. IMG_1371

5. Did you mean “yummy?” No need to ask what your TOEFL score was. IMG_6141

6. If you need to stop at the $0.99 store for your protection, I would advise you just stop now and rethink a few things, starting with your life choices. IMG_7037

7. My name’s Bryce, but OK. Whatever.IMG_5620

8. Our cat left this for us outside our front door. How sweet. She’s soooo cute. IMG_4297

9. Why I don’t travel with my dad more often. He pulls shit like this.

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10. And then there’s my mom, who removes snow with a Wal-Mart bag.

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11. Helen Keller is doing the mannequin displays at Kohl’s again. IMG_7555

12. This is just too much. Your wish of valeting at Ihop is now a reality. This isn’t Craft or Spago, park your damn car yourself. Also, there is only one lot out back of the restaurant, so I’m not sure what the winning advantage is here. IMG_2240

13. After a night in Vegas, I awoke to a knife on the floor. No one would claim responsibility for their late night decision not to murder the others in the room. IMG_7337

14. Aw, look at this adorable family. Yes, that is the father. Yes, that is the mother. And yes, that is their child. What did I tell you about those $0.99 condoms?IMG_5683

15. Say what you want about taking the bus, but do you get free snacks on your drive to work?IMG_7155

#Addicted: Starbucks red cups

Cue the tears of joy. Go Buddy go!

elf_santa

(P.S. This GIF will appear in every Christmas-related post I write because…well I need no rationale. It’s amazing.)

Christmas doesn’t start for me until a red cup is in my hand. There is just something about recycled waste materials painted with Lake Red 40 that is just so magical and it warms my heart. I was going away this weekend and wanted to make sure that when I returned Sunday evening, I could commence my Christmas season with a Target Christmas aisle spree, red cup in hand. So I did what everyone else would do. I called Target and asked when one could expect the Christmas décor.

“After November 1st,” he said.

This wasn’t good enough for me. “But do you have like, a date, by chance? Like a specific date, possibly time?”

“Definitely by November 3rd.”

Perfect! So then I had to follow up with Starbucks and make sure red cups would be available; you cannot do one without the other. Luckily for me, I received that fantastic little email from Starbucks saying red cups have arrived. Oh, happy joy.

I take this seriously, too. I once walked out of a Starbucks during the holiday season because they did not have red cups. I placed my order and the barista reached over and grabbed one of the Plebeian white cups:

“Um, oh, no, no. That’s ok. Just cancel that.” And out I walked.

And here it is! My first red cup of the season. Merry Christmas, y’all!

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BREAKING: Wine apocalypse looming

It appears the world is running out of wine.

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According to a Morgan Stanley Research report, the deficit is at a 50-year low, some 300 million cases. With shrinking reserves and an 8% increase in consumption since 2000, we find ourselves at the Great Grape Depression. I think this woman is to blame:

Clearly this depicts the tragedy that can strike while stomping grapes: you become a beached wale. The bellows forever ring in my ear and I think about how terrible grape stomping must be.

Yes, so blame her. Or you could always blame the three countries responsible for 60% of wine production that are now allotting less land to grapes: France, Spain and Italy. Choose your battle.

 

23, Male, Loves to color

The world can be overwhelming. We all get stressed out. It happens. All of us handle these pressures in our own, unique ways.

Some start to ugly white girl cry:

kim_uglycry

Some panic:

sheldon_breatingbag

Some cooly accept the fate of shortly turning into an utter psychopath:

leslieknope_nervousbreakdown

Some become alcoholics:

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And some become violent:

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I, however, handle it differently–for the most part. I have broken a stapler in a sheer fit of rage before. Not my best day.

I…COLOR!

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Yes, those are MY colorings, MY coloring book that I bought at Target a month ago and MY 96 pack of mutha fucking Crayola crayons. I always have a coloring book and crayons wherever I am. It all started in the days when I was still watching “Barney” wrapped up in my Power Rangers sleeping bag sitting in a laundry basket. Those were the days…. My mom and step-aunt would always color with me. We would then sign, date, and give them to each other, well obvz they gave theirs to me and I gifted mine to myself as well. Anyway, it just stuck. I know I’m a grown-ass man, but let me see you try and pry these crayons from my cold, dead hands.

Go out and buy coloring supplies and let all your worries drift away like Kris Humphries’ fame.

Belieber goes under the knife to become JB

Oh, dear.

Toby Sheldon is your average Justin Bieber fan. He buys albums. He attends concerts. He sings along in his car. He drops $100,000 in plastic surgery to look more like the Biebz–oh, wait… This is super-fandom to the next, creepiest level.

The so-called “songwriter” spoke with a British tabloid magazine, stating that he has had multiple procedures, including eyelid surgery. Really? Eyelid surgery? Read more about the process here .

Are you ready to see the results?

bieberplastic

I think the only good that came from this was the hair transplant. The bad, perhaps most disturbing, is that you looked more like JB before surgery! Justin has baby smooth skin and soft, gentle features. Now you have an angular, very pointed face–Pidgey from Pokémon comes to mind:

pidgey

My favorite quote from the article: “My friends shower me with compliments,” he says. “They even call me Toby Bieber.”

It’s time to re-evaluate your friends for a) allowing you to do this and then b) lying to you.

Long story short: you have to love you for who you are! Tell ’em Nene!

nene_curves

But, side note: does this mean I can get my Zayn Malik transformation?

Living in L.A.

L.A. is truly my city. I feel completely at home. No other city gets me the way L.A. does, and I respect that. Thanks for watching out for me, gurl. Here is just a snapshot of the things that have set L.A. apart from anywhere else I lived:

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  1. There is a ubiquitous aroma of weed…even where seemingly impossible. You could be walking down the street with the road on one side and a 15-foot wall on the other, there’s no one around you, and BOOM there it is. WTF? But WHERE does it come from?!
  2. You get approached in a Trader Joe’s parking lot:
    • Q: “Hey, are you a model?”
    • A. “No.”
    • Q: “Oh, well I have this clothing line and I–“
    • A: “NO! I will not sleep with you.”

3.  Eating becomes a part-time job. Eating Sprinkles. Eating from another cupcake shop. Eating Cool Haus. Eating Diddy Riese. “Sprinkles are like the best ever.” “Bottega Louis is the best ever.” “That taco truck is the best ever.” “OMG you’ve never been to The Griddle?!” “I LOVE that farmer’s market. We should go some time!” “It’s where all the celebs go.” “You’ve NEVER had Korean BBQ?!”But I feel fat, let’s go to Lemonade.” And this is discourse over the span of one day.

4.  Similarly: I’m just having a banana today. I’m so fat. I have to go the gym. Well not like now, there are people there.

5.  Praying you don’t get urinated on or have to sit next to the cracked-out Mexican man sporting a nappy blond wig and excessive make-up put on by a three-year-old child, all while guzzling liquor out of a paper bag, is a common fear when riding Metro (for the few that do).

6.  You feel constantly pressured to “do” Runyon. It becomes so painful that you start deleting friends off of Instagram that post their hiking pics/videos every single morning, as you sit on the couch watching your DVR and contemplating where you’re eating breakfast, lunch, dinner and dessert.

7.  Scoping out friends based on whether they have a pool or gym at their apartment complex.

8.  You debate any of the following:

    • Taking up acting/modeling–just like, on the side, see what happens?
    • Writing a screenplay/book. After all, you’re hilarious and creative and you’re bound to be famous.
    • Hot yoga sounds…fun?
    • Which cleanse to start.
    • What exactly IS boba?
    • NOT going to Chipotle because there are so many better LA places to try, but then you’re so hungry, and it’s right there, and you really don’t have time to try and Yelp that place you heard of–plus you don’t know the menu, and I can’t go somewhere new by myself. Well, I promise myself I’ll try that taco truck “next time.” Chipotle it is. And you don’t regret it at all. Even if it’s the fifth time this week, and it’s Wednesday.

9.  You wear pants and a scarf anyway, despite the 80-degree weather because dammit it’s October and I love fall.

10.  69 degrees is now the freezing point.

11.  There are children, sometimes toddlers, that are better dressed than you. And they know it.

12.  Every Range Rover or white Mercedes SUV could be a Kardashian. Is it obvious I’m looking?

13.  Were homes built blindfolded? I mean, I live next to a castle. And then there’s that brick building. And the Mediterranean one. Stucco. Wood. Cottage. Mud. Teepee. Igloo. Like was this a giant free-for-all?

14.  You confuse La Brea for Israel.

15.  The Levine-Beckham effect happens to you: black skinny jeans, a neutral-colored V-neck and a beanie. You also debate getting some new ink. Just one. Maybe a sleeve. You trim the sides of your head and keep it long on top.

16.  Events like ” The Grilled Cheese Invitational” exist.

17.  Ending up at the bar with The Wanted and one of them kisses you. Not a big deal.

18.  Calling your apartment management to unclog your toilet, change light bulbs, or do any other manual labor is acceptable and everyone does it. DIY? Lol.

19. The Santa Ana winds. You give up trying to look presentable.

20.  Saying “In the valley” equates to “In a land far, far away…”

What it’s like using Craigslist to find an apartment

When I moved back to L.A. this past August, I had to begin the painstaking task of sifting through the apartment jungle that is Craigslist. It wasn’t great when I had done it the year prior, and I was by no means expecting anything better this year. It’s exhausting and frustrating. And after that Lifetime movie about the Craigslist killer, the hypochondriac within makes the process even worse. After weeks on the prowl, you begin to develop a supreme judgment of content by the titles alone. I’m going to share with you my favorite things you come across on Craigslist and the way you interpret them, literally:

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  1. Anything under $700: Nope! This is L.A. I’m not trying to share a sleeping bag with someone on the floor.
  2. “Bed share”: are you for real? F’rill?
  3. “Free”: LOL, ok, right!
  4. “Free for boi toi”: Wait, well…maybe.
  5. “Free for boi toi. Enjoy penthouse views”: Yup, what number do I call? At least if I’m raped/tortured, the view will be FANTASTIC!
  6. “Cozy/Unique/Cute”: NOPE. Code for a closet or some octagon-shaped room with no windows.
  7. “4 Rent” or any misspellings: See ya.
  8. “Mechanical bull for rent”: WTF? Wrong listing tab, dude.
  9. “3 bed/2ba”: Hahaha. You think I’m going to SHARE a bathroom?
  10. All caps: First of all, calm down. Second, caps are only for old people.
  11. “Cottage to share”: …in LA? Sounds sketch.
  12. No pictures: Do I have to explain?
  13. Yes, we have ONE picture, and it’s of a door frame and hallway: Great. There’s a place for a door. Is there a kitchen? Are there bedrooms?
  14. Blurry pictures/Upside down: Seriously? What are we? Ten?
  15. “The Grove”: Perfect. When do I move in?
  16. “Female roommate only”: Ugh. Now I have to go through the whole “but I swear I’m gay, PLEASE! HELP ME! I don’t want to live with guys either!”
  17. Same post posted ten times in a row: Now you’re just flat out being annoying.
  18. “Beverly Hills”: Always disappointing.
  19. Ad starts with a lower-case letter: Journalist snobbery. Not clicking. You obviously don’t give a damn, why should I?
  20. “Pico & La Brea”: Isn’t that south of Wilshire? I don’t go south of Wilshire. I want to live, you know?

What it’s like walking into Annenberg

Let me get a coffee to keep me awake during class.

The line is so long.

kimk_likeimsoannoyed

It’s OK. I have time…But why is this barista SO slow?!

tanisha_rolleyes

I’m feeling a little better now. Coffee!

Wait, all of the high tables are taken:

nene_igiveuphands

Just stay calm. Calm down.

whitechicks_impissed

Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. It’s not the end of the world, right? This is so a first world problem. Let’s problem solve, we’re in grad school. Maybe a low table?

nene_notgreatface

Wait…they’re all taken too. Well, there is one spot open, but the other 3 just look mean.

meangirls_youcantsitwithus

Starting to panic. I’ve walked back and forth like 5 times now. People are starting to notice how awkward I look. It’s sad. Starting to feel a bit emotional

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But like, WHY aren’t there any seats? Bad thoughts. Bad thoughts.

aubrey_knife

Here she comes. My inner demon is breaking the hell out.

phaedra_msratchetusa

And now my group MMS for 505 is blowing up. I don’t have time right now! Stop buzzing!

snooki_idontdeservethis

And now whatsherface just walked by and waved.

jacki_wave

I’m about to go 50 shades of crazy.

kim_keepmywigon

Hold up a second. I don’t need to sit with these people.

scott_peasants

queen_fu

I’m going to go sit under a tree and enjoy the Earth and this beautiful SoCal weather. I am blessed.

mindy_rolemodel

Shit! I didn’t do my broadcast script.

jonstewart_idie

leslieknope_everythinghurtsimdying

My print class is teaching me how to do wonderful things.

Peace and love people.

Bryce.