Worst of 2013: Top 10 Annoyances

Every year we are blessed with many great things. But this isn’t Disney World. For every beautiful thing we encounter, there is one that proves to be mind-numbingly annoying or disastrous and it haunts us for an entire year. I’m still recovering from Psy one year later. After reading this post, you can join me for a drink and we can pray for a mildly-improved 2014. Cheers.

10. Beats by Dr. Dre Pill

beatspill

If you think twerking was the most featured item in music videos this year, you would be wrong. The Beats Pill is a wireless speaker system that is wi-fi enabled, allowing you to control songs from your phone or other device, and retails for more than an iPhone 5 (contract-renewal price) at $299. Whether it’s better than my $30 iPod speaker system, I don’t know, but it was annoying to see it shamelessly promoted in nearly every music video this year, excpet for Paris Hilton’s “Good Time,” because she tried to swallow it.
Let’s play Where’s Waldo?: Beats Pill Edition:

“Work Bitch” / Britney Spears
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“Stay the Night” / Zedd Ft. Hayley Williams

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“We Can’t Stop” / Miley Cyrus

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9. The Real Housewives of Capitol Hill

capitolhillThe catty brawls and embarrassments featured in the “Real Housewives” franchise paled in comparison to the hot mess of babbling old white men (plus Barack) running the government. From cliffs to sequesters to filibusters to shutdowns, I have been bombarded by really long words that I don’t understand all year long, and I’m over it. Behind closed doors, these weasels were running around like sexually-charged teenagers sexting, cheating and snapchatting God knows what. And then if Obamacare and the NSA tucking you in at night wasn’t enough, these degenerates went and closed the United States of America like it was a damn Target store. But it wasn’t that big of a deal, except for the few pissed off Mexicans that couldn’t be legally verified and families that had to cancel their Yellowstone family vacay. Let’s hope in 2014 we can get our shit together.

8. “Chinese Food” by Alison Gold

Major eye roll. Because rich kids can’t be satisfied with unlimited credit cards, jet-setting, and spa treatments, we need to cater to their aspirations of fame by creating Satanic music videos that would make Helen Keller cover her eyes and ears. From the same producers of Rebecca Black’s “Friday” comes “Chinese Food,” the glorification of craving fried soy sauce-covered cat in restaurants that cater only to five-year olds. At 2:14, our favorite child-molesting rapper from “Friday” reappears to have a slumber party with the little girl singing. Sleep tight, don’t let the panda bite. If you can make it to the end of the video without bleeding out from your wrists, you are not human.

7. Candy Crush

candycrushThe game that ruined relationships, marriages and families is, apparently, still going full-steam into 2014. What started as a fun, addicting game turned into mood swings, depression and texts from your mother at 10 p.m. asking commanding you to “Send me a ticket!” I fell into the black pit of blinking and exploding candies for about two months before I just got exhausted. I was having nightmares that “jelly” was chasing me. I couldn’t close my eyes without visualizing candies switching spaces at light speed. It was also extremely infuriating that there was no end to the game; it was constantly updated with new rounds. I’m a competitive person. I like to win. Where is the fun in playing a game that never ends?! It was all just too much for me to take, so I moved on and hopefully you did too.

6. Dairy Queen

oreoblizzardNews flash: fat kid problems. It is no secret that I unabashedly love Dairy Queen. From birth, Dairy Queen has been the godmother I was never appointed and never will be, now that Kris Jenner refuses to get back to me. Summer or winter, I will always be down for an Oreo Blizzard. Ever since I moved to L.A. last year, I have been in a state of semi-depression since there are no Dairy Queens in the immediate L.A. area. The closest DQ is the Culver City location about 20-minutes away. I finally made it to the Fox Hills Mall over the holidays and was elated to see my dear old DQ. Like a kid in a candy store, I ran up and ordered my Blizzard like I had a gun to my head. As I whisked away, Blizzard in-hand, into the Disney store to buy my Christmas Stitch, I had a sad, sour moment: something in this doesn’t taste right. I verified my suspicion that the milk was not up to par in my ice cream with my friend and decided to return to the store and give them polite hell. Because customer service is the top priority for this particular branch, the worker tasted the ice cream, looked at me, and said, “It tastes fine to me.” Worst. Day. Ever.

5. Apple

ios7Let me preface this by saying that I am a happy Apple customer. I own a Macbook Pro, an iPhone and an iPod, and I like them very much. What I don’t like, however, is being bullied around by a bunch of blue-shirted geeks. Change is good–and needed–but it has to be gradual. When the iPhone 5 was released, I was not thrilled with new charger. Both my iPhone and iPod use the old cord, and everyone else in the world owns it too, which is nice when you forget yours. Granted, yes, everyone will slowly adapt to the new cords, but WHY? Was it absolutely necessary? And then workers and Apple nerds get brainwashed and say, “Why, oh, yes. This cord is a “lightning cable” and is 0.32694-times faster and has AbraKadabraAlakazm technology.” People, it’s a charger. Last time I checked, all of my devices charged properly, what is the need for a “LIGHTNING CABLE?” If that weren’t enough, they go and release iOS7. I refuse to have my phone look like a cheap ass Asian toy–I mean, Android. Like I said, change should be gradual and subtle. Converting my phone display into a psychedelic clusterfuck is not subtle. I am still using iOS6 and will continue to do so until Jobs resurrects and forces me to convert.

4. Justin Bieber

justinbiebrI’m going to catch major hell for this–a death threat or two. I’m a Belieber though, so that should give me some credibility, I hope. To say the Biebz fell from grace this year would be a bit of an understatement. Once he started his European tour, all hell broke loose; it was one catastrophe after another. He was late for a show and the fans were pissed. He threw up on stage. He got into a fight with the paparazzi. At some point he acquired a monkey and then as quickly as he got it, it was taken awa6. He was throwing parties–or his friends were throwing parties–and his neighbors were not having it. And then he kicked his friends out of his home, but that didn’t really solve anything. And then he goes to Brazil and becomes a pimp. All the meanwhile, he’s confessing he’s an “artist” and not a “joke” and not being taken “seriously.” Well, it’s kind of hard to do when you’re acting like a narcissistic punk.

3. North Korea

The hatred I have for the North Korean government. They toyed with my emotions like no other this year. They knew I had an anxiety disorder and preyed on me like fresh meat, throwing around claims that they have nukes aimed at the U.S. I had a very bad case of indigestion and anxiety back in ’04 after an asteroid was supposed to have a pretty close call with Earth. I was up all day and night worrying myself sick. I was beginning to have flashbacks with all of this nuclear mayhem. Would it just be a flash and that’s it? Would it burn? Is there an underground lead bunker located nearby I can relocate to? I just couldn’t believe that I was letting their Gerber baby leader push me around like this, that is, until I educated myself and realized that they were, like, legitimately retarded. They haven’t even cracked the satellite code yet, so how are they to be taken serious with long-range nuclear technology? And randomly Gerber baby and Dennis Rodman are bffs?

2. Kimye

Shake my head. Shake my head. Everything about them is just annoying. First, they just got together. That was strike one. Then Kim gets pregnant and desperately tries to squeeze herself into couture, which violated many, many fashion laws. Case and point. And I thought manatees were an endangered species?

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They named their daughter North. How cute? Not. This is about as far as Kim is concerned, the rest of the year’s annoyances were all spawned by Mr. West. There was the creative genius rant. There was the awful “Bound 2” video, which was not “genius” at all. The comparisons to Jesus continued, which…sigh…Actually, I’m just done with him. Apparently he’s a really nice guy. I will have to be the judge of that myself.

1. Miley Cyrus

mileycyrusCall it genius, call it over-the-top antics, whatever it was, I did not like it one bit. Her “Bangerz” album was actually not bad, but the social media circus and public appearances were just too much to handle. Can you put yo’ damn tongue away? It’s not cute. It’s not funny. And can you STOP “twerking.” And while we’re on that subject, you’re not even twerking properly. Watch Riri twerk, that is twerking. You, are acting a hot mess while moving your ass quickly. Your body is not Beyonce’s body, we don’t need to see that glow-in-the-dark corpse. And can you stop licking shit? This whole year was like watching my 10-year-old sister, under the influence, stripping and grinding on old men and teddy bears and it was just very, very disturbing. Let’s pray in 2014 the antics are cut, and her artistry speaks for itself, without all of the smoke and mirrors.

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Best of 2013: Tweets

Twitter is easily one of the best inventions of all-time. The microblogging site can be a treasure chest of hilarity, or a massive pain in the ass. For people with anxiety disorders, Twitter is a nightmare because we constantly feel like we’re missing something or not doing something right. It’s never-ending. And then when people don’t respond to your perfectly-crafted tweets, your therapist visits increase. Whatever Twitter means to you, it is still a great source of comic relief on-demand. Here are my 10 favorite tweets, in no particular order:

The following two are combined. Oh, the joys of fantastically-devised hashtags:

Ravens? 49ers? Who?

Be on your best behavior:

Something we can all relate to:

Even Apple bows down to Bey:

When dumb people try to be smart, it’s funny:

Run, bitch. Run!

Age is nothing but a number, right?

Who needs a PR agent?

“What to do when Beyoncé drops a new album” was not in the parenting manual:

2014 Grammy Nominations are IN

jayzgrammysMusic’s Biggest Night is just around the corner. The nominations for the 56th Annual Grammys were announced on Friday during a concert at L.A.’s Nokia Theater. Good news artists: Adele is NOT nominated (other than Best Song for Visual Media)! *music industry rejoices*

Jay-Z leads the field with nine nominations, but Hova will have stiff competition from newbies Mackelmore & Ryan Lewis and Kendrick Lamar, who are each nominated seven times and in most of the same categories. Also in the seven-nominations group is Justin Timberlake and Pharrell.

Eligibility for this year’s awards opened on Oct. 1, 2012 and closed Sept. 30, 2013, so some big releases like Katy Perry’s “PRISM,” Lady Gaga’s “ARTPOP,” Eminem’s “Marshall Mathers LP2,” and Paul McCartney’s “New” were not considered this year.

Also making a strong showing is first-timer Lorde, who boasts four nominations including “Record” and “Song of the Year.”

And now for the nominations….The pop and rap, at least, since that is all I can speak for; I need to brush up on my regional Mexican (including Tejano) music.

Record of the Year

  • “Get Lucky” / Daft Punk & Pharrell Williams
  • “Radioactive” / Imagine Dragons
  • “Royals” / Lorde
  • “Locked Out of Heaven” / Bruno Mars
  • “Blurred Lines” / Robin Thicke Ft. T.I. & Pharrell

My vote: “Royals.” Such a massive hit. Fresh. Cool.

Grammy vote: “Royals.” It’s very Adele-like and we all know the Grammy’s are OBSESSED with Adele.

Album of the Year

  • “The Blessed Unrest” / Sara Bareilles
  • “Random Access Memories” / Daft Punk
  • “Good Kid, M.A.A.D City / Kendrick Lamar
  • “The Heist” / Mackelmore & Ryan Lewis
  • “Red” / Taylor Swift

My vote: “The Heist”

Grammy vote: “Random Access Memories” Something just tells me this is getting it.

Song of the Year

  • “Just Give Me A Reason”
  • “Locked Out of Heaven”
  • “Roar”
  • “Royals”
  • “Same Love”

My vote: “Same Love.” It’s our civil struggle in 2013, beautifully illuminated by a hip-hop artist?

Grammy vote: “Same Love.” It has to win. Point-blank.

Best New Artist

  • James Blake
  • Kendrick Lamar
  • Mackelmore & Ryan Lewis
  • Kacey Musgraves
  • Ed Sheeran

My vote: Mackelmore & Ryan Lewis. They’re so unique and current. Love what they do.

Grammy vote: James Blake. Esperanza Spalding, anyone?

Best Pop Solo Performance

  • “Brave” / Sara Bareilles
  • “Royals” / Lorde
  • “When I Was Your Man” / Bruno Mars
  • “Roar” / Katy Perry
  • “Mirrors” / Justin Timberlake

My vote: “Roar” After the huge success of “Teenage Dream,” and getting snubbed, she deserves this. Since the award’s creation in 2012, Perry has been nominated each year for “Firework,” “Wide Awake,” and now “Roar.”

Grammy vote: “Royals”

Best Pop Duo/Group Performance

  • “Get Lucky” / Daft Punk & Pharrell Williams
  • “Just Give Me A Reason” / Pink Ft. Nate Ruess
  • “Stay” / Rihanna Ft. Mikky Ekko
  • “Blurred Lines” / Robin Thicke Ft. T.I. & Pharrell Williams
  • “Suit & Tie” / Justin Timberlake & Jay-Z

My vote: “Blurred Lines” Summer anthem and all around good fun.

Grammy vote: “Get Lucky” There seems to be a lot of love for Daft Punk this year and not so much for JT.

Best Pop Vocal Album

  • “Paradise” / Lana Del Rey
  • “Pure Heroine” / Lorde
  • “Unorthodox Jukebox” / Bruno Mars
  • “Blurred Lines” Robin Thicke
  • “The 20/20 Experience–The Complete Experience” / Justin Timberlake

My vote: “Paradise”

Grammy vote: “Paradise”

Best Rap Performance

  • “Started From the Bottom” / Drake
  • “Berzerk” / Eminem
  • “Tom Ford” / Jay-Z
  • “Swimming Pools (Drank)” / Kendrick Lamar
  • “Thrift Shop” / Mackelmore & Ryan Lewis

My vote: “Tom Ford” You cannot say Tom Ford without saying it like Hova. Try.

Grammy vote: “Thrift Shop” It’s an easier “rap” song for the old peoples’ ears, so I think this will find their vote.

Best Rap/Sung Collaboration

  • “Power Trip” / J.Cole Ft. Miguel
  • “Part II (On the Run) / Jay-Z Ft. Beyoncé
  • “Holy Grail” / Jay-Z Ft. Justin Timberlake
  • “Now or Never” / Kendrick Lamar Ft. Mary J. Blige
  • “Remember You” / Wiz Khalifa Ft. The Weeknd

My vote: “Power Trip” Love. Love.

Grammy vote: “Holy Grail”

Best Rap Song

  • “F***in’ Problems”
  • “Holy Grail”
  • “New Slaves”
  • “Started From the Bottom”
  • “Thrift Shop”

My vote: “Started From the Bottom”

Grammy vote: “Thrift Shop”

Best Rap Album

  • “Nothing Was the Same” / Drake
  • “Magna Carta…Holy Grail” / Jay-Z
  • “Good Kid, M.A.A.D City” / Kendrick Lamar
  • “The Heist” / Mackelmore & Ryan Lewis
  • “Yeezus” / Kanye West

My vote: “Nothing Was the Same.” This album was just dope. End of discussion.

Grammy vote: “Good Kid, M.A.A.D City.” It snagged an “Album of the Year” nom, so chances are pretty good for this one.

Last thought: I am NOT happy Britney did not get a Best Music Video nom for “Work Bitch.” That video is EVERYTHING.

You can catch the 56th Annual Grammys Jan. 26, 2014 on CBS.

2013 MTV EMAs: Music sings, fashion flops

The music industry circus landed in Amsterdam today for the 2013 MTV European Music Awards, the uncanny sister to the MTV Video Music Awards.

Before the night began, the stars hit the red carpet outside the Ziggo Dome in the Dutch capital. First there was the arrival of the one and only, Miley Cyrus. The “Wrecking Ball” singer opted for a Tupac and Notorious B.I.G. dress with thigh-high patterned boots. Your obvious go to, right?

MTV EMA's 2013 - Backstage

One leading lady down, another to go: Katy Perry. The roaring pop tigress was anything but this evening. The California Gurl played it safe and old school in a grandmotherly, shimmering mint dress with 60’s housewife hair. ema_katy

Australian rapper Iggy Azalea arrived in a skimpy, black hoo-ha revealer. The proportions were all off. She has a tiny midsection and some serious leg, which the dress only dramatizes. I don’t even have to ask if there was a nip cervical slip.

MTV EMA's 2013 - Red Carpet Arrivals

While the Americans and the Aussie have let us down, perhaps a European could rescue the night? Ellie Goulding?! Nope, not happening either. So unflattering and the hair is just a drag.

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Red carpet host, Laura Whitmore was sexy and flirty with a tiered World of Warcraft dress. Not half-bad. ema_laurawhitmore

The best-dressed award goes to Tyson Beckford with arm candy Shanina Shaik. Note to other guests: this is how you dress for an awards show.

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…Unless your name is RedFoo, and your hosting the show, then you show up like this without any questions asked:

MTV EMA's 2013 - Red Carpet Arrivals

Aside from the fashion faux-pas, there was much to appease the eyes and ears once the performances started rolling. Miley Cyrus gave a very raw and elegant version of “Wrecking Ball,” which was executed to perfection. The Killers made a showing as well, debuting their new single, “Shot at the Night,” before shifting into their smash hit “Mr. Brightside” to the delight of the crowd–and me, more or less because Brandon Flowers was on my screen. “Best Female” winner Katy Perry stunned the crowd with her prismatic and colorful rendition of her new single “Unconditionally.” Perry levitated above the stage, adorned with colorful strips of fabric before–BAM–busting out into a mirrored human disco ball.

I’m just so excited it’s awards season! Next up: American Music Awards! See you then.

Ready. Set. Music madness: 2013 holiday rush

elf_santaChristmas is coming.

How do I know this? No, it’s not the christmas décor popping up in retail stores. No, it’s not even new Christmas music releases by Mary J. Blige and Kelly Clarkson. It is, however, the absolutely chaotic album release schedule for the remainder of 2013.

It appears all of the music industry heavyweights were in on the same game plan: album releases appropriately timed for the holiday season. This late surge will hopefully be redeeming for the music industry: According to Billboard, album sales for this past week (ending Oct. 27), are down 28% from the same week in 2012. For the year, at this point, album sales are down 7%.

Here is just a snapshot of what’s to come:

November 5

  • Avril Lavigne, “Avril Lavigne”
  • Celine Dion, “Loved Me Back to Life”
  • Eminem, “The Marshall Mathers LP 2”
  • James Blunt, “Moon Landing”
  • M.I.A., “Matangi”

November 11

  • Kellie Pickler, “Woman I Am”
  • Lady Gaga, “ARTPOP”

November 19

  • Daughtry, “Baptized”

November 25

  • Norah Jones & Billie Joe Armstrong, “Foreverly”
  • One Direction, “Midnight Memories”

December 3

  • Britney Spears, “Britney Jean”
  • Chris Brown, “X”

December 10

  • R. Kelly, “Black Panties”

Get ready people! There’s a lot of good music heading our way. And will Beyoncé sneak her next LP in before the 2013 curtain falls? For the full list of 2013 album releases, click here.