The 20 Best Things That Happened In 2014

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Feature Image Via Hulu

Last year, I summed up the most massive annoyances of the year. I decided to be a bit more chipper this year and look at the gifts we were given in 2014 instead. From French men dancing in heels to novelty, white-girl-approved Oreos, the treasures were overflowing. Personally, it was a great year for me as well. I began running, which lasted two months but proved to be the longest documented account of exercise in my life. I had my first full-time job since 17-year-old me was providing you outstanding customer service at every high school in America’s official fashion haus, Hollister. What else…Oh! I almost forgot the time I fell asleep in my running shower from 2am to roughly 4:30am. Such a great year. Here are some more milestones:

1. When Chris Schauble’s life flashed before his eyes.

When you think you’re watching SNL, but are actually watching a real, live news broadcast.

2. This Vine about the Christmas from Hell.
https://vine.co/v/OMh2DAYtmDr/embed/simple

Barbie never stood a chance. It was her time to go.

3. Last Week Tonight With John Oliver.

Unlike Piers Morgan, finally a British political commentator that isn’t a narcissistic asshole. Sure Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert are great, but there is something about John Oliver that reigns supreme–and not just his likeness to that of Frozen‘s beloved Olaf.

4. Beyoncé’s “7/11” music video

Christmas came early for the folks at GoPro (basically the creators of the world’s best personal video camera) when Beyoncé decided to make her own video. Does Jay have the purse strings or what? Last year Bey spent $0 in advertisement for the release of her self-titled album, and it goes on to pass the now largely unattainable million-unit sales point. This year, she films a video for roughly $400, the cost of a GoPro Hero4. And guess what? It was still better than everyone else’s multi-million dollar videos. Cheap is the new luxe.

5. When POTUS’s tweets end all other tweets.

The first and, presumably, last president to both A) Know how to access the Internet and B) Figure out “the Twitter.”

6. When Taylor Swift thought she won a Grammy.
https://vine.co/v/Mu5BItuUZ1T/embed/simple

Uh, oh. The Grammy Committee might end up the subject of the next bitter T-Swift song.
“You can take me down with just one, single pronounced “R,”
But you don’t know, what you don’t know…”

7. Instagram enables comment editing.
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Game changer. Now there is no need for the humiliating follow-up comment to your comment that reads “*you’re”. Or if you mistakenly tag your picture in Las Vegas, NM instead of Las Vegas, NV, you are saved.

8. The best summertime ad ever created. You go Target!

If any of you have a backyard like this, and have yet to invite me, we are no longer friends.

9. Florida strikes again.

Holy mother of God. The state that seems to breed stupid like no other keeps finding ways to outdo last month’s crazy. Every time you say, “No” to bath salts, you save an unsuspecting McDonald’s franchise.

10. How To Get Away With Murder

Move over Olivia Pope, there is a new HBIC in town, and her name is Annalise Keating, played by the formiddable Viola Davis. But let’s be honest, I’m only here for Connor Walsh 😉 In all seriousness, this quickly became my go-to show for the year. Someone give Shonda Rhimes a TV MVP.

11. Yanis Marshall, and all his shades of fierce.

Who would’ve thought I’d be wishing for more French men dancing in heels this year? I mean…DAYUMMM. This little pocket rocket packs some serious punch. I’m both in love and terrified. If I didn’t think I would look absolutely ridiculous, I’d say #DanceGoals, but, like, no.

12. Her

Spike Jonze made me want to fall in love with my operating system this year when the innovative “Her” was released. Apart from the wi-fi sex with Scarlett Johanson’s voice, this film was a breath of fresh air. Funny, loving, artsy, beautifully acted and quippy–it did yield one of the best quotes ever: “[Love] it’s kind of like a form of socially acceptable insanity.”

13. The woman who couldn’t handle life after a hailstorm.

Grab your box of tissues. It’s like The Notebook–almost. “Do I just sweep it off? Do I need to put it in a separate receptacle?” I die. It’s so adorable though that she’s so worried about the environment in this darkest hour.

14. Sam Hunt

Country has never been as sexy until Sam Hunt entered the ring, regarding both his music and, obviously, his dreamy self. He looks like he could snap me in two with the flick of his wrist. Anyway, I love that he is pioneering the future of country music by incorporating R&B flavors. It’s exciting. He is, without a doubt, my favorite newcomer of the 2014 music scene.

15. Ariana Grande’s priceless face after dodging a Victoria’s Secret angel wing.
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You might be beautiful, but get yo’ damn wing out my face when I’m singing.

16. Pumpkin Spice Oreos
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White girls rejoice all across the land! The gods have gifted us another fall novelty. After last year’s gingerbread Oreos failed miserably, Nabisco redeemed themselves this year.

17. Kanye West’s style
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I was super excited when I received this copy of GQ in the mail–Yes, I still order print magazines. There is one thing about Ye you can’t deny: this man has style. And I love everything about his style. Okay, so he’s low key my fashion inspiration of late. I have always been a fan of tonal combinations and loose-fitting tops over slim-legged pants, but Kanye just slays it to perfection. Even though he’s been sort-of-but-not-really ex-communicated within the fashion world, he’s doing quite a fine job on his own accord.

18. This stunning nighttime hyperlapse of Los Angeles.

LA Light from Colin Rich on Vimeo.

If you know me, you know my favorite thing in life is a panoramic view of a city by nightfall. This is perfection. And the music selection is genius. Bravo.

19. Katy Perry’s Prismatic World Tour

I never thought I’d ever go to a concert alone, until no one would go with me to see Katy Perry. Let me tell you this: best decision ever. I had a blast and I gave zero fucks. The most entertaining concert I have ever been to.

20. Bey and Jay’s On the Run Tour

Because, obviously.

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Yeezus À La Mode: Kanye’s GQ Cover Story

Miranda: Get me Demarchelier.

Andy: I have Miranda Priestly calling for–Okay. I have Patrick!

I don’t know if Jim Nelson, Editor-in-Chief of GQ, is anything like my beloved Miranda Priestly, but this is how I would like to imagine GQ’s August cover story shoot with Kanye West and legendary photographer Patrick Demarchelier was arranged.

I was super excited when I received my copy in the mail yesterday–Yes, I still order print magazines. As controversial and bold as Ye might be, there is one thing you can’t deny: this man has style. And I love everything about his style. Okay, so he’s low key my fashion inspiration of late. I have always been a fan of tonal combinations (white-on-white or black-on-black, etc.) and loose-fitting tops over slim-legged pants, but Kanye just slays it to perfection. Even though he’s been sort-of-but-not-really ex-communicated within the fashion world, he’s doing quite a fine job on his own accord.

West’s style, a neutral and tonal marriage of rock n’ roll and streetwear was illuminated to perfection by Demarchelier in the GQ photo spread:

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If you’re wearing layers, you can be in L.A., New York, Paris, in an airport lounge, or on a plane, taking layers on and off however. And the proportions get emotional. You know how a graphic can express a feeling or an emotion? Layers can, too.

–Kanye West

Kanye currently has a collection with French fashion store A.P.C. Most everything I want is sold out. Sad face.

Worst of 2013: Top 10 Annoyances

Every year we are blessed with many great things. But this isn’t Disney World. For every beautiful thing we encounter, there is one that proves to be mind-numbingly annoying or disastrous and it haunts us for an entire year. I’m still recovering from Psy one year later. After reading this post, you can join me for a drink and we can pray for a mildly-improved 2014. Cheers.

10. Beats by Dr. Dre Pill

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If you think twerking was the most featured item in music videos this year, you would be wrong. The Beats Pill is a wireless speaker system that is wi-fi enabled, allowing you to control songs from your phone or other device, and retails for more than an iPhone 5 (contract-renewal price) at $299. Whether it’s better than my $30 iPod speaker system, I don’t know, but it was annoying to see it shamelessly promoted in nearly every music video this year, excpet for Paris Hilton’s “Good Time,” because she tried to swallow it.
Let’s play Where’s Waldo?: Beats Pill Edition:

“Work Bitch” / Britney Spears
Screen Shot 2013-12-31 at 6.47.33 PM

“Stay the Night” / Zedd Ft. Hayley Williams

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“We Can’t Stop” / Miley Cyrus

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9. The Real Housewives of Capitol Hill

capitolhillThe catty brawls and embarrassments featured in the “Real Housewives” franchise paled in comparison to the hot mess of babbling old white men (plus Barack) running the government. From cliffs to sequesters to filibusters to shutdowns, I have been bombarded by really long words that I don’t understand all year long, and I’m over it. Behind closed doors, these weasels were running around like sexually-charged teenagers sexting, cheating and snapchatting God knows what. And then if Obamacare and the NSA tucking you in at night wasn’t enough, these degenerates went and closed the United States of America like it was a damn Target store. But it wasn’t that big of a deal, except for the few pissed off Mexicans that couldn’t be legally verified and families that had to cancel their Yellowstone family vacay. Let’s hope in 2014 we can get our shit together.

8. “Chinese Food” by Alison Gold

Major eye roll. Because rich kids can’t be satisfied with unlimited credit cards, jet-setting, and spa treatments, we need to cater to their aspirations of fame by creating Satanic music videos that would make Helen Keller cover her eyes and ears. From the same producers of Rebecca Black’s “Friday” comes “Chinese Food,” the glorification of craving fried soy sauce-covered cat in restaurants that cater only to five-year olds. At 2:14, our favorite child-molesting rapper from “Friday” reappears to have a slumber party with the little girl singing. Sleep tight, don’t let the panda bite. If you can make it to the end of the video without bleeding out from your wrists, you are not human.

7. Candy Crush

candycrushThe game that ruined relationships, marriages and families is, apparently, still going full-steam into 2014. What started as a fun, addicting game turned into mood swings, depression and texts from your mother at 10 p.m. asking commanding you to “Send me a ticket!” I fell into the black pit of blinking and exploding candies for about two months before I just got exhausted. I was having nightmares that “jelly” was chasing me. I couldn’t close my eyes without visualizing candies switching spaces at light speed. It was also extremely infuriating that there was no end to the game; it was constantly updated with new rounds. I’m a competitive person. I like to win. Where is the fun in playing a game that never ends?! It was all just too much for me to take, so I moved on and hopefully you did too.

6. Dairy Queen

oreoblizzardNews flash: fat kid problems. It is no secret that I unabashedly love Dairy Queen. From birth, Dairy Queen has been the godmother I was never appointed and never will be, now that Kris Jenner refuses to get back to me. Summer or winter, I will always be down for an Oreo Blizzard. Ever since I moved to L.A. last year, I have been in a state of semi-depression since there are no Dairy Queens in the immediate L.A. area. The closest DQ is the Culver City location about 20-minutes away. I finally made it to the Fox Hills Mall over the holidays and was elated to see my dear old DQ. Like a kid in a candy store, I ran up and ordered my Blizzard like I had a gun to my head. As I whisked away, Blizzard in-hand, into the Disney store to buy my Christmas Stitch, I had a sad, sour moment: something in this doesn’t taste right. I verified my suspicion that the milk was not up to par in my ice cream with my friend and decided to return to the store and give them polite hell. Because customer service is the top priority for this particular branch, the worker tasted the ice cream, looked at me, and said, “It tastes fine to me.” Worst. Day. Ever.

5. Apple

ios7Let me preface this by saying that I am a happy Apple customer. I own a Macbook Pro, an iPhone and an iPod, and I like them very much. What I don’t like, however, is being bullied around by a bunch of blue-shirted geeks. Change is good–and needed–but it has to be gradual. When the iPhone 5 was released, I was not thrilled with new charger. Both my iPhone and iPod use the old cord, and everyone else in the world owns it too, which is nice when you forget yours. Granted, yes, everyone will slowly adapt to the new cords, but WHY? Was it absolutely necessary? And then workers and Apple nerds get brainwashed and say, “Why, oh, yes. This cord is a “lightning cable” and is 0.32694-times faster and has AbraKadabraAlakazm technology.” People, it’s a charger. Last time I checked, all of my devices charged properly, what is the need for a “LIGHTNING CABLE?” If that weren’t enough, they go and release iOS7. I refuse to have my phone look like a cheap ass Asian toy–I mean, Android. Like I said, change should be gradual and subtle. Converting my phone display into a psychedelic clusterfuck is not subtle. I am still using iOS6 and will continue to do so until Jobs resurrects and forces me to convert.

4. Justin Bieber

justinbiebrI’m going to catch major hell for this–a death threat or two. I’m a Belieber though, so that should give me some credibility, I hope. To say the Biebz fell from grace this year would be a bit of an understatement. Once he started his European tour, all hell broke loose; it was one catastrophe after another. He was late for a show and the fans were pissed. He threw up on stage. He got into a fight with the paparazzi. At some point he acquired a monkey and then as quickly as he got it, it was taken awa6. He was throwing parties–or his friends were throwing parties–and his neighbors were not having it. And then he kicked his friends out of his home, but that didn’t really solve anything. And then he goes to Brazil and becomes a pimp. All the meanwhile, he’s confessing he’s an “artist” and not a “joke” and not being taken “seriously.” Well, it’s kind of hard to do when you’re acting like a narcissistic punk.

3. North Korea

The hatred I have for the North Korean government. They toyed with my emotions like no other this year. They knew I had an anxiety disorder and preyed on me like fresh meat, throwing around claims that they have nukes aimed at the U.S. I had a very bad case of indigestion and anxiety back in ’04 after an asteroid was supposed to have a pretty close call with Earth. I was up all day and night worrying myself sick. I was beginning to have flashbacks with all of this nuclear mayhem. Would it just be a flash and that’s it? Would it burn? Is there an underground lead bunker located nearby I can relocate to? I just couldn’t believe that I was letting their Gerber baby leader push me around like this, that is, until I educated myself and realized that they were, like, legitimately retarded. They haven’t even cracked the satellite code yet, so how are they to be taken serious with long-range nuclear technology? And randomly Gerber baby and Dennis Rodman are bffs?

2. Kimye

Shake my head. Shake my head. Everything about them is just annoying. First, they just got together. That was strike one. Then Kim gets pregnant and desperately tries to squeeze herself into couture, which violated many, many fashion laws. Case and point. And I thought manatees were an endangered species?

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They named their daughter North. How cute? Not. This is about as far as Kim is concerned, the rest of the year’s annoyances were all spawned by Mr. West. There was the creative genius rant. There was the awful “Bound 2” video, which was not “genius” at all. The comparisons to Jesus continued, which…sigh…Actually, I’m just done with him. Apparently he’s a really nice guy. I will have to be the judge of that myself.

1. Miley Cyrus

mileycyrusCall it genius, call it over-the-top antics, whatever it was, I did not like it one bit. Her “Bangerz” album was actually not bad, but the social media circus and public appearances were just too much to handle. Can you put yo’ damn tongue away? It’s not cute. It’s not funny. And can you STOP “twerking.” And while we’re on that subject, you’re not even twerking properly. Watch Riri twerk, that is twerking. You, are acting a hot mess while moving your ass quickly. Your body is not Beyonce’s body, we don’t need to see that glow-in-the-dark corpse. And can you stop licking shit? This whole year was like watching my 10-year-old sister, under the influence, stripping and grinding on old men and teddy bears and it was just very, very disturbing. Let’s pray in 2014 the antics are cut, and her artistry speaks for itself, without all of the smoke and mirrors.

Kanye being–well, Kanye

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The “Yeezus” tour stopped in L.A. this week. After rocking two nights at Staples Center, Kanye West visited “On-Air with Ryan Seacrest” to chat with the entertainment guru. And what he said was…you be the judge.

“There’s no way Kim Kardashian shouldn’t be on the cover of Vogue. She’s like the most intriguing woman right now. She’s got Barbara Walters calling her like everyday.”

“Like I went anti-hit song on the “Yeezus” album. I know how to write hit songs, but I’m not interested in that particularly. I’m interested in design and helping the world.”

“…but because of the perception I was under after the Taylor Swift incident, the only way for me to somehow buy my affection of the public back, was to deliver an absolutely perfected product. So if you listen to “My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy”, that’s the closest thing to a perfected album. So it’s like, I know how to make perfection, I just don’t want to.” He followed up on the Taylor incident with, “You know what? I would not want some crazy drunk rockstar cutting my daughter off also. But, my daughter would 100% also be like, ‘Yes, Beyoncé did have the best video.’ That’s what my daughter would do!”

“What if you’re Gaudí and you know you’re the best architect and everyone is saying that you’re saying you’re the best architect the wrong way. The problem isn’t whether or not you are the best – it’s the way you’re saying it. People get really hung up on the way I word things. But I am the best. That’s the bottom line.”

“I drink Grey Goose. And I’m not getting paid anything from them, but I’m going to tell you as a man – and they said Shakespeare was like a drunk and yes, I said that to blatantly compare myself to Shakespeare.”

“And collectively, we’re the most influential with clothing. No one is looking at what [President] Obama is wearing. Michelle Obama cannot Instagram a pic like what my girl Instagrammed the other day.”

I’ll cap it at that. My only concern is that if he keeps name-dropping celebrated creative figures, he’s going to exhaust the list! I know he said fiancée Kim is the most intriguing personality right now, but I think he might be overlooking someone else, someone much…closer. I could listen to him talk all day. I really could.

P.S. I’d take Michelle Obama’s arms over Kim’s bottom asset any day. My point: say what you want, but don’t drag POTUS and FLOTUS into this. Untouchables.

[Images via hellobeautiful.com and L.A. Times]

Kanye: I’m sorry Kelly Clarkson, but I’m going to have the best wedding of all-time

Kanye is at it again, sort of.

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Just hours after the entertainment world was enchanted by Kelly Clarkson and beau Brandon Blackstock’s magical Smoky Mountains wedding announcement, the “Yeezus” rapper proposed to girlfriend Kim Kardashian. I could only hear one thing in my mind after the news broke, a spin on his classic Taylor Swift diss at the MTV VMAs:

“I’m sorry, Kelly, but Kim and I are going to have one of the best weddings of all-time.”

Kanye popped the question in front of family and friends while celebrating Kim’s 33rd birthday at San Francisco’s AT&T Park, according to E! News.

Can we just take a moment to grasp how massive this wedding is going to be? I hear he is going to walk down the aisle while Kim awaits at the altar. He will also officiate the ceremony; shouldn’t be hard since he and Jesus are bffs (the prophet even stopped by his Vancouver concert). The “creative genius,” will also be in charge of all design decisions. Wedding guests will walk away with a Kanye West gift package, equipped with albums, a signed headshot and a contractual agreement to have all apparel decisions approved by him. Allegedly.

Some 2,300 miles away in Tennessee, country gal Kelly Clarkson tied the knot with her talent manager fiancé. The “Stronger” singer posted gorgeous pics from the special day at Blackberry Farm on her Twitter account. Clarkson looked like a fairytale princess in a Temperley lace gown and Maria Elena headband.

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Congrats to both couples! May the odds be ever in your favor.