Top 10: Signs You Live With A Latina

Picking a roommate is a very serious decision, if you’re lucky enough to be in the driver’s seat. Living with other people is not easy. Given how ill-tempered and OCD we can be, matching personalities is a fine art, if not an extinct art. When I coerced my best friend from back home on the east coast to move out and replace my old roommate, who ditched me for Australia on a wild whim in a matter of months, I thought I had won the lottery. I’m not saying I haven’t–we get along just great. It’s awesome to be able to live with your best friend. But sometimes you overlook the cultural differences that aren’t apparent when you don’t live with someone. Now that I’m living full-time with my Puerto Rican nugget, I get to soak in a completely new way of living. This is what happens when you move in with a latina:

1. There has been a coup d’état in your kitchen and Goya is your new leader.

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2. You can buy as many Bath & Body Works flowers as you want, but nothing can erase the pervading scent of garlic and olive oil.

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3. Conversations with her mother can be heard through two doors and two walls.

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4. Saturday mornings consist of gallons of bleach and salsa music.

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5. The Catholic guilt is real. “Did I wake you with my breathing. I’m so sorry. I feel horrible. Do you hate me? I’ll go throw myself off a cliff. “

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6. ESL moments become your favorite part of the day.

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And she tries and tries to get herself out of it, but it only gets worse.

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7. You are never able to keep all of their siblings straight.

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8. There are ALWAYS avocados AND plantains in the house. Maduros for life ❤

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9. Those times where you realize you’ve been watching Telemundo for the past 20 minutes and didn’t notice.

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10. Their family adopts you as their own and your real parents have no say in it.

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Bonus: God forbid you don’t cry when you eat her food because if you’re not crying tears of happiness, then obviously you hate it and just personally insulted her, her mother and her grandmother and 5 previous generations.

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But I wouldn’t change a thing.

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Coming Out, Explained In GIFs

Pardon the rainbow invasion. Today is the day the gay community celebrates leaping that dreaded hurdle and pronouncing their gayness for everyone to hear. For some it’s easy, for others… finding a resolution for the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict would be easier. Regardless of the journey, we’ve all made it, and it kind of feels like winning gold at the Olympics. It goes a little something like this:

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You start out all young and innocent. Yay.

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And then this happens.

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And you’re like, “WTF I’m 10!”

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Then these really weird feels start.

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But–But–you’re a BOY.

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Maybe it’s just a phase?

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Goddammit! That smile! The feels.

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And your internal struggle begins.

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But you know. You know.

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And sadly, those idiots at school know too.

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Eventually, you just get over it.

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Wait! But my family doesn’t know!

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HELP! HELP! HELP!

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And no matter how many times you try, you bail.

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Then you get a bit dramatic. Shocker.

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Until you just give zero fucks and go for it.

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THE RELIEF. PARRRR-TAYYYY.gay_imfabulous

Not to mention your confidence, which then just gets insane.

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And the birth of such sass.

The End.

 

Jennifer Lawrence’s Hilarious Jimmy Fallon Visit

JLaw is at it again. It seems wherever the actress goes, chaos, laughter and overwhelming feelings of sadness (that we will never be her) follow. Thursday night, JLaw brought the shenanigans bus to the “Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon.” The interview segment was largely an anecdote of an event the two attended, which ended with Fallon landing on Lawrence’s dark side:

“You made me look like a freak in front of JLo. Do you know what that feels like?!” She yelled at him on the show.

But this is why we love her: she’s still just as socially awkward as most of us, even though she’s super famous and has an OSCAR, as well as every other award made by man. Let’s just recap: JLaw, after downing 10 jello shooters, twirls around to ask JLo to dance with her–and JLo passed. What do you do when JLo shuts down your dance request?! Cry. I would cry. Then again, I cry at everything. Don’t even get me started on the new Eminem music video. Watch Lawrence recount the night’s epic fail:

But that’s not all. JLaw and Fallon also played a game called “Box of Lies,” which is just as entertaining. The two of them have this comedic chemistry that borders on an illegal synthetic stimulant. See who’s a better liar:

Also, JLaw, if you’re reading this: Hi, we should be friends, order Chinese take out from a sketch place with a name like Imperial Duck Three, do jello shooters, bake a cake and prank call people at 3am–or ding-dong ditch–whichever our prefer.

New sport added to Winter Olympics: Hot mess of a shit show

sochilogoThe 2014 Winter Olympic Games are just 24-hours away. Throngs of spectators, athletes and journalists have descended on the host city of Sochi, Russia to dodge possible terrorist attacks, enjoy cold weather and observe Russian homophobia.

There was already much speculation leading up to this year’s games that Sochi was simply not ready. The Washington Post documented a few of the warning signs that vodka was inhibiting satisfactory progress. Like, I know I procrastinate with an essay or two–slash every assignment–but on a two week international sporting spectacle seen ’round the world? They trippin’.

All of the media personnel setting up shop in Sochi are now coming face-to-face with the aftermath of Russia’s superb *cough* planning, and it is…hilarious:

Let the 2014 Hunger Games begin! May the odds be ever in your favor.

Happy 60th Oprah! 20 reasons why we love you

Let’s face it: Oprah runs this Earth. For all that she does, I want to wish her the best on her big day. Since 60 is the new 20, I have thought of 20 reasons why we love her.

1. She has the power to single-handedly select the President of the United States/Leader of the Free World:

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2. She stands up to domestic violence.

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3. And gives it right back.

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4. We all rely on her to get us through our Plebeian lives.

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5. She secretly wants to be Beyonce too, like the rest of us.

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6. She’s both hood

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7. And classy.

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8. She had a cameo in “The Lion King.”

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9. She deals with basic bitches with elegance.

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10. She’s subtle.

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11. She is very persuasive.

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12. She gives away free stuff.

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13. She fangirls over One Direction too. (If she could time travel).

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14. She’s not impressed.

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15. She’s fabulous.

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16. She has the ability to make you do this:

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17. She’s a boss.

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18. She gives a lot to charity, because with 7 or 8 homes, $3 billion and a private jet, she can.

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19. But at least she earned it.

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20. And last but not least, she’s beautiful.

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Closet Confessional: Grammy’s Red Carpet

“Music’s Biggest Night,” rocked the Staples Center in Los Angeles last night. The CBS telecast drew in the show’s second-largest audience in over two decades with 28.5 million views. Beyoncé’s sultry “Crazy in Love” performance, Taylor Swift’s thug transformation and a mass Queen Latifah-officiated gay wedding all helped give the show a boost. But before the stars came out to play, they graced the red carpet in a wild assortment of fashions. Here are some of the highlights and crash-and-burners:

Taylor Swift, Gucci

Although I gave her a lot of slack last night (it’s just so much fun) she absolutely nailed it. This glittery silver dress was age and event appropriate. It was the serene calm before the head-thrashing and gangster-leaning storm that unfolded indoors.

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Beyoncé, Michael Costello

Bey skipped the red carpet to prepare for opening act, and probably for a good reason: She didn’t want to outshine everyone else–because she’s thoughtful that way. This white lace dress looks gorgeous on her and her new edgy blonde cut fits it well. I even love the little extra fabric on her forearm. On anyone else, I’d be saying, “Why are you wearing a doily?”

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Katy Perry, Valentino

You never know what you’re going to get with this rowdy one: cheese hat? blue hair? pink hair? octogenarian drab? Last night she elected for a whimsical, musically-inspired white gown. The haunting-glam look was swiftly abandoned indoors as she morphed into a witch hunter swinging around on broomstick stripper poles.

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Ciara, Pucci

Just weeks after Olivia Wilde proved that pregnancy can still be hot on the red carpet, Ciara came out to play in a beautiful, gold sequin stunner, which complements her skin tone so well. Pregnancy glow is real people. I need some of that these days.

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Chrissy Teigen, Johanna Johnson

Although it should be a crime to outshine your partner that is nominated for a Grammy (in this case, John Legend), but when you look this good, we forgive. It should be no secret that this Sports Illustrated swimsuit model knows how to dazzle.

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DJ Mark Ronson and wife Josephine de la Baume, Unknown

“We’re so excited to be here.” The only thing more excited are her nipples.

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Shawn Crahan of Slipknot, Spirit Halloween Superstore

I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. Unfortunately, my mommy was not available to shield my eyes from It deciding to crash the red carpet. Thankfully I don’t have a red carpet hosting gig (yet) because I would have run away screaming.

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Cyndi Lauper, Alexander McQueen

A just birthed animal? Last night’s ragu? An unraveling ball of yarn? What exactly was the objective with your hair? But I do like the cape and slim-fit pants combo.

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Zendaya Emanual, Ungaro

You are so beautiful, why? It’s so unflattering and homemade looking. “Quick! We have to go. Just grab the shower curtain and let’s go!”

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Pharrell Williams, Only God knows

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That’s about it for me. I will be back with another closet confessional following the Academy Awards March 2.

Worst of 2013: Top 10 Annoyances

Every year we are blessed with many great things. But this isn’t Disney World. For every beautiful thing we encounter, there is one that proves to be mind-numbingly annoying or disastrous and it haunts us for an entire year. I’m still recovering from Psy one year later. After reading this post, you can join me for a drink and we can pray for a mildly-improved 2014. Cheers.

10. Beats by Dr. Dre Pill

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If you think twerking was the most featured item in music videos this year, you would be wrong. The Beats Pill is a wireless speaker system that is wi-fi enabled, allowing you to control songs from your phone or other device, and retails for more than an iPhone 5 (contract-renewal price) at $299. Whether it’s better than my $30 iPod speaker system, I don’t know, but it was annoying to see it shamelessly promoted in nearly every music video this year, excpet for Paris Hilton’s “Good Time,” because she tried to swallow it.
Let’s play Where’s Waldo?: Beats Pill Edition:

“Work Bitch” / Britney Spears
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“Stay the Night” / Zedd Ft. Hayley Williams

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“We Can’t Stop” / Miley Cyrus

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9. The Real Housewives of Capitol Hill

capitolhillThe catty brawls and embarrassments featured in the “Real Housewives” franchise paled in comparison to the hot mess of babbling old white men (plus Barack) running the government. From cliffs to sequesters to filibusters to shutdowns, I have been bombarded by really long words that I don’t understand all year long, and I’m over it. Behind closed doors, these weasels were running around like sexually-charged teenagers sexting, cheating and snapchatting God knows what. And then if Obamacare and the NSA tucking you in at night wasn’t enough, these degenerates went and closed the United States of America like it was a damn Target store. But it wasn’t that big of a deal, except for the few pissed off Mexicans that couldn’t be legally verified and families that had to cancel their Yellowstone family vacay. Let’s hope in 2014 we can get our shit together.

8. “Chinese Food” by Alison Gold

Major eye roll. Because rich kids can’t be satisfied with unlimited credit cards, jet-setting, and spa treatments, we need to cater to their aspirations of fame by creating Satanic music videos that would make Helen Keller cover her eyes and ears. From the same producers of Rebecca Black’s “Friday” comes “Chinese Food,” the glorification of craving fried soy sauce-covered cat in restaurants that cater only to five-year olds. At 2:14, our favorite child-molesting rapper from “Friday” reappears to have a slumber party with the little girl singing. Sleep tight, don’t let the panda bite. If you can make it to the end of the video without bleeding out from your wrists, you are not human.

7. Candy Crush

candycrushThe game that ruined relationships, marriages and families is, apparently, still going full-steam into 2014. What started as a fun, addicting game turned into mood swings, depression and texts from your mother at 10 p.m. asking commanding you to “Send me a ticket!” I fell into the black pit of blinking and exploding candies for about two months before I just got exhausted. I was having nightmares that “jelly” was chasing me. I couldn’t close my eyes without visualizing candies switching spaces at light speed. It was also extremely infuriating that there was no end to the game; it was constantly updated with new rounds. I’m a competitive person. I like to win. Where is the fun in playing a game that never ends?! It was all just too much for me to take, so I moved on and hopefully you did too.

6. Dairy Queen

oreoblizzardNews flash: fat kid problems. It is no secret that I unabashedly love Dairy Queen. From birth, Dairy Queen has been the godmother I was never appointed and never will be, now that Kris Jenner refuses to get back to me. Summer or winter, I will always be down for an Oreo Blizzard. Ever since I moved to L.A. last year, I have been in a state of semi-depression since there are no Dairy Queens in the immediate L.A. area. The closest DQ is the Culver City location about 20-minutes away. I finally made it to the Fox Hills Mall over the holidays and was elated to see my dear old DQ. Like a kid in a candy store, I ran up and ordered my Blizzard like I had a gun to my head. As I whisked away, Blizzard in-hand, into the Disney store to buy my Christmas Stitch, I had a sad, sour moment: something in this doesn’t taste right. I verified my suspicion that the milk was not up to par in my ice cream with my friend and decided to return to the store and give them polite hell. Because customer service is the top priority for this particular branch, the worker tasted the ice cream, looked at me, and said, “It tastes fine to me.” Worst. Day. Ever.

5. Apple

ios7Let me preface this by saying that I am a happy Apple customer. I own a Macbook Pro, an iPhone and an iPod, and I like them very much. What I don’t like, however, is being bullied around by a bunch of blue-shirted geeks. Change is good–and needed–but it has to be gradual. When the iPhone 5 was released, I was not thrilled with new charger. Both my iPhone and iPod use the old cord, and everyone else in the world owns it too, which is nice when you forget yours. Granted, yes, everyone will slowly adapt to the new cords, but WHY? Was it absolutely necessary? And then workers and Apple nerds get brainwashed and say, “Why, oh, yes. This cord is a “lightning cable” and is 0.32694-times faster and has AbraKadabraAlakazm technology.” People, it’s a charger. Last time I checked, all of my devices charged properly, what is the need for a “LIGHTNING CABLE?” If that weren’t enough, they go and release iOS7. I refuse to have my phone look like a cheap ass Asian toy–I mean, Android. Like I said, change should be gradual and subtle. Converting my phone display into a psychedelic clusterfuck is not subtle. I am still using iOS6 and will continue to do so until Jobs resurrects and forces me to convert.

4. Justin Bieber

justinbiebrI’m going to catch major hell for this–a death threat or two. I’m a Belieber though, so that should give me some credibility, I hope. To say the Biebz fell from grace this year would be a bit of an understatement. Once he started his European tour, all hell broke loose; it was one catastrophe after another. He was late for a show and the fans were pissed. He threw up on stage. He got into a fight with the paparazzi. At some point he acquired a monkey and then as quickly as he got it, it was taken awa6. He was throwing parties–or his friends were throwing parties–and his neighbors were not having it. And then he kicked his friends out of his home, but that didn’t really solve anything. And then he goes to Brazil and becomes a pimp. All the meanwhile, he’s confessing he’s an “artist” and not a “joke” and not being taken “seriously.” Well, it’s kind of hard to do when you’re acting like a narcissistic punk.

3. North Korea

The hatred I have for the North Korean government. They toyed with my emotions like no other this year. They knew I had an anxiety disorder and preyed on me like fresh meat, throwing around claims that they have nukes aimed at the U.S. I had a very bad case of indigestion and anxiety back in ’04 after an asteroid was supposed to have a pretty close call with Earth. I was up all day and night worrying myself sick. I was beginning to have flashbacks with all of this nuclear mayhem. Would it just be a flash and that’s it? Would it burn? Is there an underground lead bunker located nearby I can relocate to? I just couldn’t believe that I was letting their Gerber baby leader push me around like this, that is, until I educated myself and realized that they were, like, legitimately retarded. They haven’t even cracked the satellite code yet, so how are they to be taken serious with long-range nuclear technology? And randomly Gerber baby and Dennis Rodman are bffs?

2. Kimye

Shake my head. Shake my head. Everything about them is just annoying. First, they just got together. That was strike one. Then Kim gets pregnant and desperately tries to squeeze herself into couture, which violated many, many fashion laws. Case and point. And I thought manatees were an endangered species?

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They named their daughter North. How cute? Not. This is about as far as Kim is concerned, the rest of the year’s annoyances were all spawned by Mr. West. There was the creative genius rant. There was the awful “Bound 2” video, which was not “genius” at all. The comparisons to Jesus continued, which…sigh…Actually, I’m just done with him. Apparently he’s a really nice guy. I will have to be the judge of that myself.

1. Miley Cyrus

mileycyrusCall it genius, call it over-the-top antics, whatever it was, I did not like it one bit. Her “Bangerz” album was actually not bad, but the social media circus and public appearances were just too much to handle. Can you put yo’ damn tongue away? It’s not cute. It’s not funny. And can you STOP “twerking.” And while we’re on that subject, you’re not even twerking properly. Watch Riri twerk, that is twerking. You, are acting a hot mess while moving your ass quickly. Your body is not Beyonce’s body, we don’t need to see that glow-in-the-dark corpse. And can you stop licking shit? This whole year was like watching my 10-year-old sister, under the influence, stripping and grinding on old men and teddy bears and it was just very, very disturbing. Let’s pray in 2014 the antics are cut, and her artistry speaks for itself, without all of the smoke and mirrors.

WTF: a photo gallery

I’m constantly on the go. I don’t own a car (sad face) so I’m always interacting with way too many people for my own good. Bus trips, subway trips, walking trips–I see it all. This post is dedicated to all of the “WTF” moments I have encountered over the years.

I will take a picture of anything with my iPhone. If you look like an asshole or are failing at life miserably, Imma document it. Depending on my mood, I will try to be discrete about taking your picture, but more often then not I just point, shoot and smile with the satisfaction of my photographic achievement–at your expense.

1. Fashion trend: umbrella stand meets Egyptian flair.IMG_0379

2. One of my sister’s Christmas presents last year. My direct quote: “Who gave Calysta the Dildo night light?” My mom looked at me puzzled. “You seriously don’t see anything wrong with that?” The perfect gift for every child afraid of the dark.IMG_0708

3. Ok, so, did you steal the hat and are proud of it? Or, are we just forgetful? Could very well be a new trend, but I didn’t get the memo.IMG_0592

4. I have so many strong emotions about this. First, this is a Starbucks, not a damn living room. Second, get your nasty feet off of the table that people put their food on and work from. Third, I don’t want to hear any sass from you when I break out my Clorox wipes from my messenger bag and sanitize the premise. IMG_1371

5. Did you mean “yummy?” No need to ask what your TOEFL score was. IMG_6141

6. If you need to stop at the $0.99 store for your protection, I would advise you just stop now and rethink a few things, starting with your life choices. IMG_7037

7. My name’s Bryce, but OK. Whatever.IMG_5620

8. Our cat left this for us outside our front door. How sweet. She’s soooo cute. IMG_4297

9. Why I don’t travel with my dad more often. He pulls shit like this.

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10. And then there’s my mom, who removes snow with a Wal-Mart bag.

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11. Helen Keller is doing the mannequin displays at Kohl’s again. IMG_7555

12. This is just too much. Your wish of valeting at Ihop is now a reality. This isn’t Craft or Spago, park your damn car yourself. Also, there is only one lot out back of the restaurant, so I’m not sure what the winning advantage is here. IMG_2240

13. After a night in Vegas, I awoke to a knife on the floor. No one would claim responsibility for their late night decision not to murder the others in the room. IMG_7337

14. Aw, look at this adorable family. Yes, that is the father. Yes, that is the mother. And yes, that is their child. What did I tell you about those $0.99 condoms?IMG_5683

15. Say what you want about taking the bus, but do you get free snacks on your drive to work?IMG_7155